This morning has been riddled with personal pratfalls. The first
goofy thing I did was mistake my bottle of Herbal Essences (urrrrge) Oil-Controlling Astringent for
Listerine. I don't know, they're both sort of green
was no brisk swishing-liquid-about followed by a slowly dawning
realization, no, you could say that I knew instantly I had made
a Horrible Mistake. I did a spit-take worthy of any bad sitcom
and hosed the mirror with astringenty saliva. There's no simple
way to rid the taste, either. Putting astringent in your mouth
is the gift that keeps on giving. Oooh, your breath is so
fresh, like nail polish remover.
Then I had this Something
About Mary episode. I went to wash my face with Cetaphil (I am
not being paid to plug random personal care products, I swear),
and the bottle was a little plugged up, so I squeezed really
hard and it made this PLORP! sound and a porn-movie wad of liquid
soap flew out and apparently immediately went into another dimension,
because I looked and looked but couldn't find it. The stuff looks
you know. Yes, I checked my ear.
Just then the doorbell
rang, and startled the bejesus out of me. I was pretty sure I
had soap somewhere on me that would make me look like I was maybe
in the midst of filming a money shot. I did a frantic once over
in the mirror and was heading for the door when my cat suddenly
runs at 65 MPH straight.into.my.leg.
"What's the big deal?"
you say. "Ooh, a cat ran into you. Call 911."
You don't understand, my cat is a total heifer and the full
force of her cat-lard careened into my SHIN. It hurt, dammit.
Ok, so then, the cat - making it clear why she was in full-tilt
mode - starts to barf.
"Yoop. Yoop. Yoop.
I'm all Gimpy McLimpleg,
there's a pile of semidigested Purina One to clean, I'm still
worrying I have pornographic goo on me, and when I finally get
to the door
it's my landlord. What a letdown. After all
that, it really should have been someone handing me a giant Publisher's
Clearinghouse check or something.
When I answered, he looked
all Memento and said, "Huh. It's wasn't you that wanted
the extra gate opener, was it." Just needed the visual cue,
did you? Freak. He's a complete freakshow whose freakiness is
visibly evident. He looks like a furtive nose-digger, an owner
of disturbing internet photos, a children-keeper-away-from. Gate
opener. Whatever. He probably was going to let himself in
and roll around in our garbage if no one was home.
Still can't find that soap.
Also my mouth still tastes
like ass. Oil-controlling ass, but ass nevertheless. I tried
to combat the taste with some Listerine 'oral care strips' (can't
risk going for the regular Listerine after The Betrayal), but
even they, with their unholy powerfulness, didn't help. Those
things are weird as hell. You take out this green square, like
a piece of saran wrap, and you put it on your tongue, where it
immediately changes its molecular construction and oozes all
over your mouth. It's like the mint version of that Ice-9 stuff
in Vonnegut's Cat's Cradle.
If this entry were a small
child, you would tell it to be quiet and make it go take a nap.
2002-02-28 - Are
they going to insert a toilet snake down my throat or something?
2002-02-27 - I
heard the gelatinous-face-with-cat-hairs-stuck-to-it look was
de rigueur this season.
2002-02-25 - I
think it is entirely possible I have gained 10 pounds.
comments so far.
I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004