2002-02-01 - 11:51 a.m.
Today is the day where I tell
you Two Shameful Secrets.
Aren't you excited? Giddy? Maybe
a little…naughty feeling?
The first shameful secret is
that I've watched "Planet's Funniest Animals" on Animal
Planet like 3 times this week. That's sort of shameful in itself,
but the really bad part is that each show makes me laugh so freaking
hard it's ridiculous. I always turn the volume way down, because
I'm paranoid someone will overhear and maybe break down the door
and stick TV cameras in my face and ask me something like "Explain
how a grown woman such as yourself finds a squirrel falling out
of a tree with a Scooby-Doo-like sound effect - AMUSING??"
I just can't help myself. And god knows the host alone is reason enough not to watch
the damn show. He looks freakishly insipid, but you just know
there's 23 Boy Scouts buried in his driveway. You know when he
gets home from providing the Bob Saget commentary for the cats
who can play the piano he's all, "IT PUTS THE LOTION
IN THE BUCKET. IT DOES THIS WHENEVER ITS TOLD."
Were you expecting something
juicier? I'm sorry.
My second shameful secret is
that I really don't know who's playing in the SuperBowl. Seriously.
I think it's…the Patriots? And someone else, I guess. I
just like the ads (it'll probably just be all Britney Spears
commercials, though. Britney hawks Pepsi! Ovaltine! Super Maxi
Pads with Retsin!). This year I will call all the companies who
have advertisements in that time slot because hell, we know they
have money. Maybe they're hiring.
What do you want to bet there
is a very carefully crafted Arthur Andersen commercial? You know,
something soothing and reassuring, maybe just a somber executive
talking earnestly to The People.
I watched too much TV last night.
I think we have ascertained that I watch too much TV in general,
but last night was this blissful orgy of Friends (have
you noticed that the cast looks weird now? They'll all finally
aging, or something - everybody is all taut and leathery), Family
Guy (name me another show that says 'taint' in primetime),
Will & Grace (some people want to be like Mike - I
want to be like Karen), and Temptation Island (go
ahead and screw each other already. Damn). Oooh, mind-numbing…
Also I ate a bunch of sunflower
seeds. So today my tongue feels weird. I am Job.
go back :::
comments so far.
I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004