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2002-01-24 - 3:31 p.m.

I am feeling like a total wimp right now. I am Jack's sub-standard cardiovascular health. If the situation called for it, I would be unable to fight crime.

See, I've been going to this kickboxing class at my gym. I was doing really well with it a few months ago, watching some of my body parts get bigger (like my shoulders and biceps) and some get smaller (like my ass). I love the instructor. He's an appealing drill instructor type that yells at everyone to "get aggressive! go harder!" and you feel all grrr! Ok! - while you're flailing your wimpy little punch out or whatever. When I first started with the class I was all flustered and Hot For Teacher checking out his various muscle groups but now I feel more of this "WhateverYouSaySIR!!" kinda vibe, which is cool.

So at today's class, about halfway through, I got completely crapped out. I was all dizzy and stuff. I thought I could just take a water break and be ok but I started getting this nauseous sensation. I really really didn't want to leave the class and chance Drill Instructor to yell something at me ("WUSS! Get back in here and give me 20!") but the fear that I might barf overrode everything else so I bailed. Went to the locker room and laid out flat on the bench for a while, then hightailed it home. I don't know what my problem was, if it was overexertion or what. Must…get…in…better…shape…

I have a THING about barfing. I hate doing it. I also would rather eat glass than barf in public. I once overheard a conversation between two women about morning sickness. "Oh yeah," one told the other, "I would barf at the drop of a hat. I would walk in a room, and if there was a smell that was too strong - YARP, I would just blow chunks. I started carrying plastic bags around with me."

I mean, is it weird that I am filled with horror at this confession? Imagine standing in line at the bank or whatever, and you casually slip out your little personal puke bag and daintily void the contents of your stomach in front of everyone.

I suppose when you are all ready to have children, and the rabbit dies (where did that expression come from, anyway?), and you are all blissed out and radiant and glowing and people hold doors for you and beam at you because you are Earth Mother, you are performing this miracle - maybe then you don't worry about puking, hemorrhoids, the texture and color of your hair changing, weird skin pigmentation, and of course the small matter of passing an entire human being through your..body.

Here is a recent email conversation I had with a friend of mine, on this very subject:

----- Original Message -----
From: me
To: my friend
Subject: Re: Hey
Date: Wed, 23 Jan 2002 11:53:39 -0800

Yes, JB told me when she emailed him to let him know she was pregnant. That's great for those guys, I wish her all the best. I was sort of dumbstruck by it, in a I-can't-believe-people-our-age-are-reproducing kind of way. I mean, intellectually I am aware my body physically could have pumped out like 10 kids by now but it still freaks me out because apparently mentally I am only 9 or so. I morbidly watch those shows on TLC like Maternity Ward where they show women all in pain and smooshing out babies that emerge covered in jello and it.flips.me.out. The husband is always there all supportive and *watching* all the action that is going on downtown, too. I told JB whenever we get to that point off in the reproduction-horizon he is not allowed to LOOK down there during the whole birth process. Then again, I am 9 right now, and maybe will grow up soon.

---
From: my friend
To: me
Sent: Wednesday, January 23, 2002 9:19 PM

I know people my age give birth. it is a simple statement of fact that I went to high school with and knew several girls who gave birth before we even finished 12th grade. but I think the film we saw in 9th grade biology class of the "live birth" did something to me, and each time the concept of giving birth is mentioned and applied to MY life, I am reduced to that terrified, disgusted 13 year old. I don't wonder why there are men who can't have sex with their wives after they see them give birth. it is completely unfair, yes, but understandable. consequently, I refuse to watch "maternity ward".

While many of my close friends have kids, janet is the first of my close FEMALE friends to give birth. I have known that janet wants kids all along, but I let myself believe that she'd go on as tongue lasher/career woman forever. and i never thought she'd bear children before lisa... who is also on a mission to become pregnant right now. while I am very happy for them, this whole scene is giving me issues.

---

From: me
To: my friend
Sent: Wednesday, January 23, 2002 4:12 PM

Yeah. When JB read Janet's email, he was at home and read part of it to me. I said "well, that's great!" and then slid into a weird funk that resulted in me randomly blurting, about an hour later, "I certainly hope you don't wish *I* were pregnant!" He was like "Ummm...no.", probably mentally adding "PSYCHO". It was weird to hear cause it's someone my own age, deciding ON PURPOSE and everything, to have a child. I mean, I can't even water my plants regularly. I started brooding on how she was all multitasking with her career and probably a houseowner and oh by the way also growing a *whole entire person* in her spare time. That was the night I watched a whole hour of Maternity Ward and snapped at JB about how he wasn't going to be allowed to look Down There during that moment, whenever that moment should be. Him: "Umm...ok." (PSYCHO). Because really, I know it's a beautiful moment and angels are singing right then and whatever but how could you ever look at it the same again? And what happens with all that pushing if you have to go to the bathroom...like #2???? Oh, god.

---

From: my friend
To: me
Sent: Thursday, January 24, 2002 2:35 PM
>
> i don't know how to tell you this exactly, but before you give birth... they give you an enema.

JB and I plan to have a family someday. Just let me hit snooze on that biological clock for a few more years, I'm not grown up enough yet.

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