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11.02.2004 - 12:23 p.m.

Tuesday

Okay, here's the deal: if you're having a dreary sort of day, like maybe you're stressing about the upcoming election results or you're regretting that leftover Halloween candy or you're just feeling kind of down because jesus CHRIST it gets dark WAY too early now....I have the cure. I am going to share with you a MIRACLE CURE for whatever ails you, unless what ails you includes explosive diarrhea, in which case I can only offer my tender sympathies.

Ready to follow along? Let's go!

First, get your mitts on the song "Samba Tranquille" by Thievery Corporation. The ENTIRE cure is based on you having this song, so don't be thinking you can skip this step. Go get it, now.

Do you have it?

How about now?

I'm serious, here. You can't cheat and use some other song, like "La Bamba" or some shit. You specifically need "Samba Tranquille". So go download it. Or hell, buy this whole album, because it's a fine collection of music and also has that sexy "Lebanese Blonde" song that's on the Garden State soundtrack. But the important thing is to get "Samba Tranquille". SO DO IT NOW.

All right. Now what you need to do is find yourself a little privacy. The alternative is looking like a gihugic freaking retard in front of your coworkers or family or whatever, so trust me on this one. If you have an office door, close it. If you have a dog, put it outside.

Make sure you have comfortable clothing on. Do a couple of deep knee bends. Maybe jog in place a little. Everything feel okay? If you need to, put on some different pants. Or, maybe, take off your pants entirely.

It goes without saying, except for the part where I'm saying it now, that you need a stereo.

Queue up the song, and turn up the volume. Check one more time to make sure that no one's looking.

And....

Hit play.

And start wiggling your butt.

What you're aiming to do, here, is to wiggle your butt in time with the percussion. Da da da da, da-da-da, da da da da, da-da-da - you know, that part? Shake your butt in time to that beat.

It helps if you drop down a little, so you have ample room to sway your butt. If you get a jiggling motion going, like you can actually feel your buttocks sort of flapping around, that's awesome. Bonus if you make Tyranosaurus Rex arms (little balled-up fists, pumping back and forth jogging-style).

Da da da da, da-da-da, da da da da, da-da-da, da da da da, da-da-da, da da da da, da-da-da.

What'd I tell you, you're feeling better already, right?

Da da da da, da-da-da, da da da da, da-da-da, da da da da, da-da-da, da da da da, da-da-da!

Your butt! Shake it!

Okay, now you're getting to the best part of the whole song. You might want to turn it up a little more in anticipation of the two minute mark. At exactly two minutes, the music goes:

DING da da da! DING da da da!

This is where you can freestyle. Maybe throw out a Travolta arm point. Maybe clap a little. Maybe do Pimp Hands. But make sure your butt is still grooving, okay?

DING da da da! Da da da da, da-da-da! DING da da da! Da da da da, da-da-da!

Yay!

Oh man, that was so great.

Whew.

Seriously, if you follow my instructions you will feel happy for HOURS. You can also use The Song to help ward off annoying situations.

Some Annoying Person: "And then I was all blah blee blar blah, and this and that, and ssnnxxzzzzz..."
You (replacing their words with da da da da, da-da-da): "Excuse me, please." *walking off, shaking butt madly*
Annoying Person: "But..I...oh."

Enjoy the Miracle Cure. Remember to put your pants back on afterwards.

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11 comments so far.

I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004

yay, diaryland