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09.28.2004 - 12:54 p.m.

Tuesday

Okay, have any of you started watching what I can only describe as the best new show on cable? The show with comedy, drama, AND a tiny man with a mustache that looks like it’s been drawn on with a ballpoint pen?

I’m talking, of course, about The Dog Whisperer. I'd never heard of it until three episodes suddenly showed up on our TiVo the other day. Snorting at the name, I nearly deleted them sight unseen. MY GOD, THE TRAGEDY THAT ALMOST BEFELL OUR HOUSEHOLD! TiVo, how could I have doubted You?

For the uninitiated, the show is about an eentsy weentsy dude named Cesar who shows up at people’s houses in order to deal with their problem – biting, overeating, barking, whatever - dogs, then "documents the remarkable transitions that take place".

Yeah. Heh.

While all of the episodes of The Pet Whisperer that I've seen have been vastly entertaining in various ways (demon chihuahua!), the absolute pinnacle to date has got to be Episode Four. That's the one you want to be hunting for, people. On the website, it's described as being about "Josh...a lively Maltese poodle mix who won't let anyone go near him with a brush", but that just doesn't do justice to the television magic that occurs right before your very eyes.

Josh's owner, whose eyes are so goddamn far apart she looks like a hammerhead shark (which, I know, is neither here nor there, but I just had to mention it) wants some help controlling her dog's Cujo-like behavior. Enter...Cesar!

Cesar's first order of business is to help trim Josh's nappy icky poodle fur, a task that has been problematic for Sharky due to the fact that Josh is a rabid little fuck. Talking all the while about dominating behavior and showing Josh Who Is Boss, etc, Cesar manfully grips the dog around the neck. Then - well, then all hell completely breaks loose, with cameras rolling.

Years ago, my boyfriend at the time lived with a roommate who tried to rehabilitate an injured possum that he'd found. It briefly lived in an old rabbit cage in the kitchen (I know, gross), and during the entirety of its stay the thing would raise up its head and hiss at you if you came anywhere near. It was the meanest, downright evillest looking creature I'd ever seen. But at that time, I had yet to see Episode Four of The Pet Whisperer.

The instant the clippers come within a foot of his head, Josh the lively Maltese decides to have none of Cesar's pet whispering. For like ten minutes, while Cesar fights to hang on, Josh does everything short of spin his ugly head around in circles and spew pea soup. Frothing and shrieking, his lips peel back from his skull to reveal a horrific maw of needle-sharp teeth, which he sinks into Cesar's flesh. "This is good," Cesar murmurs, his macho bravado slightly lessened by the blood pouring from his hands, "He releases his emotional baggage."

"Are you okay?" gasps the owner. "It's nothing!" says Cesar, shooting a sidelong glance at the camera, "Just puncture wounds!"

It's clearly a dog that needs to be drop kicked into the nearest glue factory, but Cesar perseveres, increasing his "prey grip" until Josh is totally rehabilitated! It's a miracle! As long as his oxygen supply isn't relinquished!

I'm telling you, if every reality show had a guy getting viciously attacked by a crazed poodle, I wouldn't be able to leave my house. That's just a special kind of awesome to watch.

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15 comments so far.

I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004

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