07.29.2004 - 8:29 p.m.
Let me introduce mysef. I am
a goddess, the goddess Fate.
What you need to know is that
I don't have a big fucking magic steering wheel or anything.
I'm just, like, this amazing force that strews possibilities
all over the place. I disconnect the where from the when. I offer
you the vertical and the horizontal. I bend what you know of
as truth, and being as how I'm a goddess I do it all with fabulous
hair, an eighteen inch waistline, and an enormous pair
Who am I? Dammit, I'm the candlestick,
pistol, and the wrench. I'm Professor Plum, I'm Colonel Mustard.
I'm the library and the ballroom AND the conservatory.
There is no inevitable conclusion
to any event, despite what we all might like to believe. Everything
is malleable. Everything is changing from one moment to the next.
Any unimaginable number of jokes can change their punchline before
your next exhale.
Cause and effect, meet deus
I do not deal in absolutes.
Let's get that straight right now. Worship me, if that's what
you like to do with goddesses, with the pull of a slot machine
handle. Stars in the sky, heartbeats of an immortal, lemons and
cherries, they're all the same to me. I am the embodiment of
chance and I will refuse your every desire to control me.
Oh, and by the way? The next
time you come across the word "destiny" in a book,
I want you to cross it out with a big El Marko permanent pen
and and write "DIVINE WILL OF SATAN" in its place.
That should freak people out.
Anyway, I'm here for a reason,
to pluck up one of the millions of whirling what ifs in
someone's world, and lay it out . Not the future - a
future. Got me? If you're not with me so far on that you might
want to wait for the large print edition of this shit.
Here we go.
Smell the sweet, tangy inhale
of sun-warmed ponderosa and the spice of red cedar, the coppery
cool swallow of the river's jumbled stone back and its rushing
lively liquid contents. Breathe the bite of wild mint and the
grassy alfalfa seed fields.
You have only pleasant activities
Three black-capped chickadees
are quarreling briefly at a stone feeder, then explode skyward
in a flurry of irritated wingbeats. Nearby, a cluster of bright
yellow daisies trembles before parting to reveal the friendly
gaze of a fat, striped marmalade cat with a bobbed tail.
Blown from a dripping plastic
wand; a soap bubble shivers and grows and breaks free to float
in the air unassisted. It rises in the sunlight and a thousand
active rainbows are dancing on its surface. A rustling sigh of
wind moves through pine branches and hillsides and over glacial
white peaks, coming to rest in your ear along with the laughter
of delighted children.
You are - this is important!-
truly and blissfully happy right now. You are healthy and strong
and you are content in your life and you feel loved by your family.
Breathe and the moment is
gone, so don't. Hold your breath so this is with you forever:
you can smell it, hear it, feel it, as the bubble spins upward
and transforms into a diamond-wink that you can see even when
you close your eyes.
right there is the potential intellectual property of a John
from Seattle, Washington. I'm not the all-knowing sort of goddess,
so I don't have the 411 on this guy. You'd have to talk with
Nature for that kind of thing. I'm not sure who he's banging
but he must have connections, because I don't do this sort of
thing often. I'm Fate, dammit, not Casey Kasem.
Well, whoever you are, happy
birthday, John. I hope all your futures make you smile. And if
they don't, just wait - things always seem to change, now don't
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm
a busy goddess. I have people to smite.
last ::: next
comments so far.
I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004