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06.09.2004 - 2:04 p.m.

Wednesday

I subscribe to the newsletter Good Morning Silicon Valley, and it's a fine, fine daily missive. In Tuesday's dispatch, the author included this:

Grovel for Gmail: I have in my hand an invitation to create one of those precious Google Gmail accounts. Yes, I could give it to JM or make a few extra bucks by peddling it on eBay, but, as always, the interests of GMSV readers are foremost in my mind. Therefore, I am going to extend this invite to one of you. Which one? The one who, in my sole discretion, makes the most creative/amusing/heart-rending plea for it. Send your best effort to Jpaczkowski@realcities.com with the subject line "Grovel for Gmail," and I'll name a winner by the end of the week.

Clearly I could not ignore such a challenge, so this is what I sent him -

Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity
To seize everything you wanted in an email service
Would you capture it, or just let it slip?

Yo.

Her palms are sweaty, knees weak, mouse is heavy
There's a gig of storage ready, a spam machete
She's typing, and in her writing she isn't steady
Too uncool, but she keeps on and beggin'
What she puts down, when she's mailing John
She opens her mouth, and the pleas come out
She's groveling how, Paczkowski's smiling now
He opens the invitation, he sends it, blaow!
Snap back to the levity, oh, there goes brevity
Oh, this email blows, it's choked, it's so bad
But she won't give up that easy, no, she won't have it
She knows her whole tax for these hopes
It don't matter, Gmail's dope
We know that, preview mode, it's so rampant, you know
When she goes back to her Bellevue home, that's when it's
Back to Yahoo again, yo this whole catastrophe
She'll log in and view about a thousand ads in it

You better lose yourself in the email, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not make him tell you no
This invitation comes once in a lifetime

You better lose yourself in the email, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not make him tell you no
This invitation comes once in a lifetime

The mail's escaping through my service erasing
Filled boxes are all berating; a bad thing
As we move toward a new web order
A normal account is boring, and Google's close to IPO
It only grows larger, only grows smarter
They blow us all over, the tech co's is all on them
Most of us know, in their role as search mogul
No real woes, God only knows they've grown big while they roam
They're mobile, they shone with free email that's global
But hold your head cuz they led us to ogle
The invitations - hello, they're hot product
She must beat the next schmoe or know
She'll nose dive and then nada
No Gmail, how lo and behold, I suppose it's old partner
But the beta goes on da da dum da dum da da

You better lose yourself in the email, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not make him tell you no
This invitation comes once in a lifetime

You better lose yourself in the email, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not make him tell you no
This invitation comes once in a lifetime

No more tease, I'ma change what you call please
Tear up this freakin' subject like I'm on my knees
I was moochin' in the beginning, no expertise
I been beggin' and pleading with stupid words like these
But I kept whinin' and pinin' for the invitation
Best believe somebody sees my dedication
All the urge inside amplified by the new service
And I can't get by with my Yahoo life
And I can't provide the right login or folder view
Cuz man, these goddamn web apps with their ads
And it's a new thing, the Gmail sensation
This is my chance, and this email's so hard
And it's getting even harder tryin' to rhyme and write this crap, plus
Teetertotter caught up between bein a bother even though I wanna
Begging comma drama schemin on and on for mail nirvana
This is my plot, to escape message monotony
Has gotten me to the point I cannot fail
I've got to formulate a plot or end up with mail or not
An address is my only freakin' option, it's red hot
John, I dig you, but the invitation's got to go
I cannot grow old in Yahoo's spot
So here I go with my lot, delete me not
This may be the only opportunity that I got

You better lose yourself in the email, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not make him tell you no
This invitation comes once in a lifetime

You better lose yourself in the email, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not make him tell you no
This invitation comes once in a lifetime

What do you want to bet after all that STRENUOUS effort the guy's never heard of Eminem? Heh.

:::

Have I linked this before? I can't remember, but it's funny even on the second (or third! or fourth!) viewing.

:::

Dear lord. O, bring me my salts. This man is the hottest thing on earth. Buy the magazine, you will NOT regret it. If I weren't, you know, THIRTY, I'd fucking thumbtack this shit to my bedroom wall and moon over him all damn day long. Mmmm, Beckham.
.

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27 comments so far.

I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004

yay, diaryland