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04.16.2004 - 1:15 p.m.

Friday

I'm off to mutilate my tongue in mere hours. My old barbell is in my pocket (my coworker: "Ewwww"), so I can show them what I used to wear. If I remember right, you have to wear an extra big one at first so your tongue can swell up like a blowfish. And yeah, I know about the potential for dental damage, I'll be careful - I do have eight jillion dollars' worth of orthodontia in there.

That reminds me, if I start worrying about pain, I'll just cast my mind back to the time when I had to wear HEADGEAR.

A tongue pierce has nothing on headgear.

:::

From: denicep@cs.com
Subject: Rocky Reed didn't have time for classes....
Date: April 16, 2004 3:35:53 AM PDT


Helpless mental subject-complete of my morning spam:

...but still found time for kicking asses

...til he found religion and started preachin' to the masses

...and sadly fell into a pit of molasses

...he was too busy jerking off with bus passes

:::

An entire morning that proves, once and for all, that I am a complete idiot:

Okay, I have a Sonicare toothbrush. You know, the battery-powered thing with patented sonic technology? I think it gets rid of positive ions or something. Anyway, I have had it for like three years now. You would think I would have the general concept of it down pat. It's not like the user interface is challenging or anything - you put it in your mouth, on your teeth.

However, today I decided that my track record with the thing has gotten bad enough that I can only brush my teeth in the nude from now on. I cannot go two days in a row without stupidly taking it out of my mouth while the bristles are humming away, and spraying the mirror, my face, and my shirt with drooly toothpaste remnants.

This particular morning I not only managed to take it out of my mouth, but then I also somehow missed my mouth completely and ran the thing into my CHEEK. Toothpaste everyfuckingwhere.

WHO MISSES THEIR MOUTH WITH A TOOTHBRUSH?

People. It's not like I was aiming at a moving target. I wasn't practicing my auctioneer skills. I wasn't chewing a wad of Bit O' Honey while trying to jab a toothbrush in there. Somewhere in between Step 1: Open mouth, and Step 2: Insert brush, things went horribly awry, and instead of ridding myself of coffee breath, I was suddenly buffing the side of my face.

Oh, and if you're looking for an efficent makeup remover and exfoliant? I recommend the Sonicare. Plus, you're minty fresh afterwards.

THEN, on the way to work I was waiting behind a car at a traffic stop when the light turned green. The car didn't go right away, which didn't bother me - I'm not one of those assholes that leans on the horn a nanosecond after a woolgathering driver misses the light change - but after a few moments I finally issued a short "hey!" sort of honk. The car still didn't move, and oddly, neither did the car in the other lane. So I honked again, blaaaat!, and just then the ambulance whose siren had been audible for god knows how long (to anyone who was NOT blaring Metallica's cover of The Misfit's "Die Die My Darling" at top volume and lustily singing along) came barreling through the intersection .

I had honked at a no-doubt fine upstanding citizen who was waiting for an ambulance. Better yet, had I been the one in front, I probably would have merrily pulled forward and been smashed flat.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST! When I was settled at my desk a while ago, reading email, a message was sent to me that included a screenshot. The screenshot was of an error message. It was a screenshot. Not an actual working panel. Just a .jpg file. A graphic.

I sat there....and clicked the message.

TWICE.

And wondered why nothing was happening.

I don't think enough oxygen is making it to my brain.


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15 comments so far.

I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004

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