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04.11.2004 - 5:31 p.m.

Sunday

It's been a shining, sunny, shorts-and-tank-top weekend, just made for enjoying Seattle; sailing across Lake Washington maybe, kayaking past the houseboats on Lake Union, hiking to the top of Mt. Si and watching the paragliders, or even just strolling through the Market to watch the fish guys.

I have done none of these things. I have been firmly ensconced in suburbia, traveling only as far as the neighborhood theater to see a matinee of Hellboy.

It's a good thing I'm making exemplary use of all the local spoils! I mean, why else would I be living in a habillion-dollar housing market, if only to NEVER LEAVE MY HOUSE.

I am a despicable hermit who will die alone in a house filled with cats. Evil, annoying, fat cats that spill their catfood everywhere and haul birds in the house.

Also, it's hot in her(r)e. I know, it's April, it's the Northwest, and maybe I'm just a giant pussy…okay FINE I am a GIANT wuss are you HAPPY now? God. Anyway, I'm too HOT and there's no air conditioning and I can't wear a BRA because of HOOTER MOISTURE.

In fact, I have spent much of my time this weekend in a tank top and a sarong. With Bedhead Head Rush buildup in my hair. I am Jack's complete lack of social grace.

(And speaking of Fight Club [what do you mean, we weren't? you go where I go, and don't ask questions, or else it gets the hose again (how do you do a parenthetical inside a parenthetical inside a parenthetical? I just wanted to point out my INSPIRED swerve into Silence of the Lambs. Thank you. I'll be here all night. And day. Because I never leave my house, remember?)], can I just say, when recalling the following quotes: The salt balance has to be just right, so the best fat for making soap comes from humans, and Tyler sold his soap to department stores at $20 a bar. Lord knows what they charged. It was beautiful, I can't help but think of The Soap that has turned into this crazy journal meme. Beware, Soap fans! You may be lathering your face with Lipo Leftovers! Although, really, I'd eat human flesh if I thought it would make my skin look perfect. What? It tastes of chicken, right? It can't be that bad, especially if you can pick your meal. I'd start with Johnny Depp. Dressed as a pirate. Mmm, rump roast. WHAT?)

I did venture from my troll-cave earlier with the best intentions of picking up an assortment of plants from Home Depot, but when I got there and wandered the aisles I got all OCD Girl (now there's a superhero! "OCD Girl, save us!" "Yes! As soon as I wash my hands! 549 times!"*) and couldn't decide on anything because there were SO MANY plants, and did I want purple daisies or lemon thyme or maybe a new hydrangea, or? I left empty-handed with a grandiose plan of drawing out my yard, and sketching the pattern of sun throughout the day, and color coordinating everything, and being Fully Prepared to make strategic plant purchasing decisions.

* I mean no offense to the afflicted. Now go count alllll the shiny things in your house.**

** I am going to hell.

I got home and whipped out a sketchpad, thought about the yard, but ultimately produced only this:

Note: only PART of that stunningly rendered piece of art is based on actual events in our home. The other part, now that I look at it, seems to be a depiction of Roy Horn. Ha! ***

*** SO going to hell.

Oh, and all I've eaten all weekend are Triscuits. Deli Rye Triscuits. For breakfast. For dinner. I probably have scurvy. Just a scurvy-ridden, sarong-wearing, sweaty-breasted hellbound recluse, with too much spray on shiner in my hair. And a Soap skeptic, to boot.

And? When I saw the trailer for Soul Plane yesterday, I laughed and laughed and LAUGHED. At SOUL PLANE. AKA, The Dumbest Looking Movie on Earth.

Please. Just take me out back and shoot me. My warranty has obviously expired.

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11 comments so far.

I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004

yay, diaryland