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04.06.2004 - 6:26 p.m.

Tuesday

Are you supposed to feed a cold, and starve a fever, or is it vice versa? Will I cover all my bases if I skip breakfast and lunch, then eat an enormous dinner including fistfuls of Deli Rye Triscuits and a medicinal Amstel Light?

I woke up today with the sort of cold that strip-mines your neurons and leaves you with your eyes crossed and your mouth all hanging open going "Guh? Snuh." Symptoms include a runny nose, a scratchy throat, and extreme stupidity.

The nice thing about cold medicine is that it simply exacerbates your retardation to the point where you no longer care about feeling sick. Let the snot roll right down your face, who cares! Have another slug of Nyquil.

:::

Since my hairdryer blew up in Thailand, thanks to my extreme dumb-assery (without having a cold at the time, I can't even trot that out as an excuse), my sole mission upon standing back on Seattle soil - my raison d'etre - was to seek out a new one, because the hairdryer…it is second only to the Tweezerman in terms of Items I Cannot Live Without.

I trolled the hairdryer aisle at a local Bartell's, and there it was - calling to me, in a voice so pure it was as if a choir of angels sang out its name:

THE REMINGTON SUPERSONIC, THE NEXT GENERATION DRYER!!!

The Remington SuperSonic dries hair strands from the inside out!

The Remington SuperSonic has more airflow than all leading dryers!

The Remington SuperSonic has five ionic ports that provide more complete ionic condition-

Wait, what? Ionic ports? "Ionic conditioning"? What is this horseshit?

The packaging goes on to trumpet: Negative ions neutralize the positive ions that cause static and frizz, giving hair more healthy-looking shine!

Oh man, all this time I've been using conditioner and spraying on shiners and flat-ironing and whatnot, when it's been negative ions all along!

In fact, I think negative ions can be blamed for far more than flyaway hair. The stretch marks on my thighs that, as I have learned recently, do NOT tan, EVER? Negative ions. The fact that basic math continues to elude me throughout my adulthood, and I find myself occasionally sending JB emails that say "Um, can you remind me again how to figure out an average"? Negative ions. My current snotty state of affairs, what with the dumbness and the sneezing and all? Negative fucking ions.

Thank christ for the Remington SuperSonic, the holy grail of hairdryers.

:::

Lastly, in case you have been bereft over the lack of Dog pictures lately, here she is wearing a Workplace t-shirt (heh) and attempting to mount my coworker's dog (who is a Greater Swiss Mountain Dog, not really so much mountable by a runty lab).

I believe this is a new low, dignity-wise.

 

However! What we have here is dual Mrs. President.

Nobility! Has been restored!


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13 comments so far.

I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004

yay, diaryland