04.06.2004 - 6:26 p.m.
Are you supposed to feed a
cold, and starve a fever, or is it vice versa? Will I cover all
my bases if I skip breakfast and lunch, then eat an enormous
dinner including fistfuls of Deli Rye Triscuits and a medicinal
I woke up today with the sort
of cold that strip-mines your neurons and leaves you with your
eyes crossed and your mouth all hanging open going "Guh?
Snuh." Symptoms include a runny nose, a scratchy throat,
and extreme stupidity.
The nice thing about cold medicine
is that it simply exacerbates your retardation to the point where
you no longer care about feeling sick. Let the snot roll right
down your face, who cares! Have another slug of Nyquil.
Since my hairdryer blew up
in Thailand, thanks to my extreme dumb-assery (without
having a cold at the time, I can't even trot that out as an excuse),
my sole mission upon standing back on Seattle soil - my raison
d'etre - was to seek out a new one, because the hairdryer
is second only to the Tweezerman in terms of Items I Cannot Live
I trolled the hairdryer aisle
at a local Bartell's, and there it was - calling to me, in a
voice so pure it was as if a choir of angels sang out its name:
THE REMINGTON SUPERSONIC, THE
NEXT GENERATION DRYER!!!
The Remington SuperSonic dries
hair strands from the inside out!
The Remington SuperSonic
has more airflow than all leading dryers!
The Remington SuperSonic has
five ionic ports that provide more complete ionic condition-
Wait, what? Ionic ports? "Ionic
conditioning"? What is this horseshit?
The packaging goes on to trumpet:
Negative ions neutralize the positive ions that cause static
and frizz, giving hair more healthy-looking shine!
Oh man, all this time I've
been using conditioner and spraying on shiners and flat-ironing
and whatnot, when it's been negative ions all along!
In fact, I think negative ions
can be blamed for far more than flyaway hair. The stretch marks
on my thighs that, as I have learned recently, do NOT tan, EVER?
Negative ions. The fact that basic math continues to elude me
throughout my adulthood, and I find myself occasionally sending
JB emails that say "Um, can you remind me again how to figure
out an average"? Negative ions. My current snotty state
of affairs, what with the dumbness and the sneezing and all?
Negative fucking ions.
Thank christ for the Remington
SuperSonic, the holy grail of hairdryers.
Lastly, in case you have been
bereft over the lack of Dog pictures lately, here she is wearing
a Workplace t-shirt (heh) and attempting to mount my coworker's
dog (who is a Greater Swiss Mountain Dog, not really so much
mountable by a runty lab).
I believe this is a
new low, dignity-wise.
However! What we have here
is dual Mrs. President.
Nobility! Has been
last ::: next
comments so far.
I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004