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01.22.2004 - 7:21 p.m.

Thursday

And this new dog food container...

...is proof that JB and I will grind a joke right into the fucking ground, man.

Another example of this is something we are doing all the time lately - I'll call it the "Shake Head No, Nod Head Yes". We picked it up from an Eddie Izzard routine (and if like me you never heard of Eddie Izzard until you started seeing his name mentioned in various journals? Go rent/buy his DVDs now, or see him live, or, I don't know, obsessively stalk him until you get a restraining order, or something, because he's absolutely screamingly hysterical), and it goes something like this:

JB: "No, it isn't." *shakes head no convincingly*
JB: "Yeahh....it is." *nods head smugly*
JB: "No! Just kidding, it totally isn't." *shakes head quickly*
JB: "But - well, yeah, it is." *tilts head, raises eyebrows*

This is a little hard to get across in print (uh, you think? - ed. PS, there is no ed. - ed.) but it's retardedly awesome and it works for almost any situation you can think of.

JB: "Did you pick up the mail?"
Me: "No, I didn't." *curt shake* "Yeah, I did." *reassuring nod* "No." *slow pitying shake*

Repeat until one of you has peed, just a little, from laughing so hard.

Yes, I know it's dumb.

No, really, it's cool.

:::

FOR NO REASON: A CORNY LOVE SCENE, SOMEWHAT SULLIED BY THE HARSH GLARE OF REALITY

In the flickering candlelight, he reached forward and tremblingly brushed aside an unruly lock of platinum from her forehead. Her smile faded slightly as she caught the urgency in his gaze, and her eyes darkened. She whispered his name, and he leaned towards her and cupped her face, kissing her ripe, open mouth.

She moaned aloud against his seeking lips. "You're beautiful," he breathed, pulling back and looking at her. Her hair shone, a bright beacon in the dimness of the room. Her body was lush, and her expression was almost exotic in its sensualness.

Nestled cosily in the follicles of her long, dusky eyelashes were untold numbers of Demodex folliculorum, less than 0.4 mm long. Living head-down, they fed busily on secretions and skin debris.

"I want you, now," she said with uncharacteristic boldness, tossing her head - not disturbing the mites, as their bodies are layered with scales which help them anchor themselves in the follicle. Hidden within the dewy pores of her face lived more demodicid, wielding tiny claws and needlelike mouthparts for eating skin cells.

He rose and swept her into his arms, before laying her gently on the bed among the millions of Dermatophagoides farinae. Closely related to spiders, the mites' shed skin and feces cluttered the silk sheets. As the human's lovemaking began in earnest, the mites began to feed happily on the dead skin flakes that fell from their heated bodies.

:::

So, you know about 12% Beer, right? It's a portal thingie on Diaryland, much like DHAK, and you should totally check it out. Do it! Go forth and read! Leave a naughty message in the guestbook, too.

:::

Helpful Dog! Spellchecking JB's email for him and all!


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22 comments so far.

I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004

yay, diaryland