10.11.2003 - 1:00 p.m.
Saturday
Every morning I have to put
Dog outside before I leave for work. When I do this, she sits
and stares mournfully through the sliding glass door, large moist
brown eyes following me while I gather my keys and go. How
can you leave me like this? - she seems to be asking. The
guilt!
So I've developed the Biscuit
Tactic. When it's time to put her out, I break a dog discuit
(Beggar Dog biscuits, heart-shaped!) into a few pieces and I
toss them out into the yard in several directions. That way,
her attention is diverted and I don't get the fucking Bambi eyes
and I can go to work without feeling like I just walloped a
baby seal pup with a ballpeen hammer.
I told you that in order to
tell you this: I have two songs that I sing to Dog when I get
the biscuit. They are both extremely stupid and I can only imagine
how I look and sound when singing them. I think it is quite possible
you might rupture a vital internal organ laughing, which is why
I won't show you. It's for your health. All I can say
is Dog likes them both very much and she augments my stellar
performance by leaping about ecstatically (oh boy, biscuit
a'comin'!) and making happy whimpering sounds.
The first song is sung very
dramatically to the tune of Rod Stewart's "Do Ya Think I'm
Sexy". It involves lots of hand gestures and an Elvis-like
kneeling-and-pointing routine.
IF you want a biscuit AND
you think I've got one
(required: point at Dog, then point at self)
come on Dog tell me so
IF you really need one JUST reach out and bite me
come on DAWG let me know!
The second song is sung to
"Who Let the Dogs Out" - so apropos, don't you think?
Who wants a biscuit? Who
who who who?
Who wants a biscuit? Who who who who?
Who wants a biscuit? Who who who who?
Who wants a biscuit? Who who who who?
(repeat until Dog is insane)
Now Dog is happy in the morning
and I get to completely dork out - to the extreme. Everybody
wins!
:::
I was fairly decent about going
to the gym this week, I think I went three times. Which is a
vast improvement on, you know, not going at all, so yay for that.
The gym, I think I've mentioned before, is e-fucking-normous.
The two big cardio rooms are filled with row after row after
row of elliptical machines, stairmasters, treadmills, bicycles,
etc. It's a surreal experience to be gerbilling away on your
machine and look at all the other people doing the exact same
thing. Hundreds of people in movement, no one going anywhere.
The men all trying to get bigger; the women, smaller. It's sort
of bleak and hopeless and yet sort of motivating at the same
time.
A new addition to the gym:
now a club employee stands in the doorway and opens the door
for people when they enter or exit, issuing a suave "Hello"
or "Thank you for coming". Also - wine tasting
in the club bistro. Good grief.
:::
JB and I went to Kill Bill: Volume 1 last night. Let me tell
you this, there are not enough asses in the entire world for
that movie to have kicked. It both rocked AND rolled. Check it
out, stat!
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5
comments so far.
I have moved. - 1.03.2005 Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004 Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004 Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004 Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004
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