09.28.2003 - 12:18 p.m.
The weather has been ridiculous
this weekend. I mean, it's so beautiful if you came to visit
Seattle right now you would never, ever leave. It's sunny and
warm and there's a crispness to the air, a clean clear smell;
the grass is green again, and the sky is a rich color of blue
with the mountains distinctly outlined everywhere you look. The
nights are cool and velvety and bring aromatic breezes into the
open window of our bedroom. It's absolutely amazing.
Also, it SUCKS.
I wish it were clammy, cold
and raining. I wish the skies were dreary and grey and drizzly.
I want the sort of weather that requires holing up on
the couch wrapped in a blanket, drinking something hot and laced
with rum. I want to be able to mainline like 8 hours of TiVo
without feeling like the world's biggest asshat for not going
outside and enjoying the last hurrah of summer.
It's just entirely too cheerful
outside, and my roiling-with-PMS surly-ass mood can't deal with
it. JB left for another Asia business trip yesterday morning,
and I swear the first couple days after he leaves I don't know
what the hell to do with myself. I sit around trying to figure
out activities to keep me busy and I'll end up, like, plucking
my eyebrows for half an hour. And I'm not kidding about
that PMS shit - my boobs are so fucking sensitive I can't even
LOOK at them without gulping an ibuprofen. I wrestled them into
a bra this morning and practically passed out.
Basically I'm feeling lonely
but anti-social, I should be doing something to appreciate the
weather but I'm achy and bloated and nothing fits, and my goddamn
eyebrows are too thin now. I'm a superstar.
I don't think I enjoy anything
more in the world than a good laugh, but have you ever experienced
a situation where it's not appropriate to laugh, in fact it's
wildly inappropriate and you can't help yourself and oh
god you can't stop and the whole thing starts to feel
like not funny at all but instead this frightening loss of control
like shitting your pants or something, not that I would
know what that feels like, and you still can't stop?
I am quite familiar with this
Helpless Braying Donkey Syndrome.
Once, a few years ago, I was
in an all-hands meeting at the job I was working for at the time,
and something my coworker did - we were all eating lunch and
I think she tried to spear a cherry tomato and it went flying
- gave me a serious case of the giggles. What really made it
out of control, though, was that the exact same thing happened
to her. I'd just about get myself calmed down when I'd look at
her and we'd both explode all over again. I tried as hard as
humanly possible to get a fucking grip, but it was so bad, I
had to get up and leave the meeting. It was embarrassing as hell,
and I can't even guess how unprofessional it looked.
I hadn't been dating JB for very long when I went with him to
his parents' house for Easter. Traditionally, JB's mother goes
to church for the occasion and I gallantly professed an interest
in joining her. (Girlfriends and wives should get a fucking Purple
Heart for shit like that, by the way.) JB's brother Joe decided
to come along at the last minute, while JB and his dad happily
avoided the whole thing.
Seated in the pew with JB's
mother on my right, and Joe on my left, I was doing a decent
job of lip-synching to the hymns and so on when I noticed Joe
was surreptitiously drawing something on a piece of paper. I
sneaked a look at him, and Joe tipped the bible he was using
as a backdrop so I could see.
It was a crude drawing of Jesus.
Sporting a maniacal expression. And a machine gun.
Sitting in a church? During
Easter services? Next to your boyfriend's mother? Not
a good time to get a laughing attack, is what I'm saying. I did
the best I could, I exercised every drop of restraint I could
possibly invoke, but essentially I spent several minutes shaking
violently in my seat making little "h-h-h-h-h" sounds.
All I could do was hope she thought I was speaking in tongues.
Anyway, the Helpless Braying
Donkey Syndrome damn near happened to me at Workplace last week.
My coworker Molly, my boss, and myself were interviewing a girl
for our office assistant position. As we were sitting there peppering
her with questions, I noticed another coworker, Brian, come striding
in the room talking on his cell phone. He was oblivious to the
fact that we were sitting there for a brief moment, and then
he saw us.
I can't explain his reaction
in a way that truly conveys how hilarious it was, but basically
he came to a screeching halt, batted his arms wildly in the air,
jerked himself around in several directions, then streaked from
the room in a blur.
The candidate's back was to
him, so she never saw anything - just kept on delivering her
spiel about how organized she was and so on. I sat there, outwardly
attentive, but for some reason I just kept seeing Brian's recoil
in my head, over and over again. A tiny giggle escaped me, and
I disguised it by loudly clearing my throat. Pretty soon I knew
I was literally seconds from spraying spit all over this poor
girl from hysterical laughter, so I fled, ostensibly seeking
water for my "cough".
It's always the horribleness
of the situation that conjures up the Helpless Braying Donkey
Syndrome. I mean, if it were just a regular meeting instead of
an interview, I might have snickered at Brian and that would
have been that. Instead, I was sitting there listening to someone
nervously tell us her job skills - a time when the interviewer's
response should be something, anything other than a snicker.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I
have some moping around the house to do. My boobs and I vant
to be alone, dahlink. Unless you've got chocolate.
comments so far.
I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004