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09.24.2003 - 7:26 p.m.

Wednesday

I stayed home from work the other day; the result of dropping off my car for a tune-up from Bellevue Toyota in the morning and realizing my options for getting to the office were limited to 1) a very expensive cab ride, 2) JB having to go WAY out of his way to ferry me to and from Workplace, or 3) driving the BAMT. Since my experience thus far with the BAMT has been one leisurely 4-minute drive in our neighborhood, I was filled with an emotion that I can only describe as "generalized wussiness" at the thought of taking it out on the highway.

Lucky for me Workplace is used to people giving completely moronic excuses for not showing up, so staying home was not a problem. I spent the day in a quiet house and observed something: all Cat and Dog do - all day long - is sleep. They occasionally yawn, or stretch, and on two separate occasions Dog was motivated enough to wag her tail, but mostly they are some seriously crashed-out motherfuckers.

(Which honks me off even more that they each have an internal alarm clock that goes off at FIVE in the morning. FIVE. So they can demand food, in preparation of the heavy sleeping ahead of them.)

I also spent the day gripped with the strangeness that befalls me whenever I stay home from work for non-holiday reasons - it makes me feel guilty and paranoid and just generally like a bad citizen. Like I'm Cameron out in the Ferrari, you know? Even though all I did was loll around watching a couple of spoiled furballs snore and occasionally check my email. (Oh no! I have just described my job.)

:::

The more I write "BAMT" the more it seems to demand some visual context, because it feels all weirdly onomatopoetic (holy balls the effort it took to spell that word, you have no idea) like it's a word I yoinked from an old Batman show or something. ZING! KAPOW! BAMT! Anyway, here are some photos:


Please note the silver diamond plated box dealie in the back. Apparently this is a very necessary BAMT accessory. Like a...truck purse.

I think the thing is, if you have a penis, you think the truck is cool. When we were at the Toyota dealership the male (and presumably penis-equipped) car sales weasels practically slobbered all over the damn thing.

Car Sales Weasel #1: "Duuuuuuude. All riiiiiight, sweet riiiide. Niiiiice."
Car Sales Weasel #2: "New F-150? Oh yeah, man. Right on." (physically restrains himself from high-fiving JB)"
Car Sales Weasel #3: (silent, but roving his gaze all over the truck in a freaky stalker-esque way)

I've seen other guys react similarly. Not sure if it's a Power Thing, or a New Toy Thing, or hey, maybe a Size Thing.

Oh, and while I'm sharing photos, take a gander at this:

The air filter from our furnace. Apparently we breathe dog hair, like fucking LOTS of it (want to visit? No really, I'll make sangria!). Lord, I do not want to know what the insides of my lungs look like.

:::

Workplace is so stressful lately. I was in a meeting today where two people yelled at each other. I mean, I'm glad no one's yelling at me (yet!), but yelling in general does not a happy environment make. I'm sick of people being whiny children instead of, you know, doing their damn job. And I really wish that people who have decided they can't deal with their job would just quit already instead of spreading their rich, creamery dysfunction all over the damn building. Feh.

(What I really want is to magically enter Callahan's, down a stiff drink, and hurl my glass into the fireplace hard enough to shatter it, then turn to my sympathetic crowd and yell "To Workplace!" If you get that, you are a total nerd and also my new best friend.)

:::

A Shockingly Pornographic Thing I Said Last Weekend Totally On Accident:

Me (trying to drink a boysenberry milkshake): "I keep sucking but nothing is coming in my mouth!"

-pause-

JB: "Sounds like you need to work on your technique."

go back ::: forward

JournalCon 2003

22 comments so far.

I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004

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