09.24.2003 - 7:26 p.m.
I stayed home from work the
other day; the result of dropping off my car for a tune-up from
Bellevue Toyota in the morning and realizing my options for getting
to the office were limited to 1) a very expensive cab ride, 2)
JB having to go WAY out of his way to ferry me to and from Workplace,
or 3) driving the BAMT. Since my experience thus far with the
BAMT has been one leisurely 4-minute drive in our neighborhood,
I was filled with an emotion that I can only describe as "generalized
wussiness" at the thought of taking it out on the highway.
Lucky for me Workplace is used
to people giving completely moronic excuses for not showing up,
so staying home was not a problem. I spent the day in a quiet
house and observed something: all Cat and Dog do - all day
long - is sleep. They occasionally yawn, or stretch, and
on two separate occasions Dog was motivated enough to wag her
tail, but mostly they are some seriously crashed-out motherfuckers.
(Which honks me off even more
that they each have an internal alarm clock that goes off at
FIVE in the morning. FIVE. So they can demand food, in preparation
of the heavy sleeping ahead of them.)
I also spent the day gripped
with the strangeness that befalls me whenever I stay home from
work for non-holiday reasons - it makes me feel guilty and paranoid
and just generally like a bad citizen. Like I'm Cameron out in
the Ferrari, you know? Even though all I did was loll around
watching a couple of spoiled furballs snore and occasionally
check my email. (Oh no! I have just described my job.)
The more I write "BAMT"
the more it seems to demand some visual context, because it feels
all weirdly onomatopoetic (holy balls the effort it took
to spell that word, you have no idea) like it's a word I yoinked
from an old Batman show or something. ZING! KAPOW! BAMT! Anyway,
here are some photos:
Please note the silver diamond plated box dealie in the back.
Apparently this is a very necessary BAMT accessory. Like
I think the thing is, if you
have a penis, you think the truck is cool. When we were at the
Toyota dealership the male (and presumably penis-equipped) car
sales weasels practically slobbered all over the damn thing.
Car Sales Weasel #1: "Duuuuuuude.
All riiiiiight, sweet riiiide. Niiiiice."
Car Sales Weasel #2: "New F-150? Oh yeah, man. Right on."
(physically restrains himself from high-fiving JB)"
Car Sales Weasel #3: (silent, but roving his gaze all over the
truck in a freaky stalker-esque way)
I've seen other guys react
similarly. Not sure if it's a Power Thing, or a New Toy Thing,
or hey, maybe a Size Thing.
Oh, and while I'm sharing photos,
take a gander at this:
The air filter from our furnace.
Apparently we breathe dog hair, like fucking LOTS of it (want
to visit? No really, I'll make sangria!). Lord, I do not
want to know what the insides of my lungs look like.
Workplace is so stressful lately.
I was in a meeting today where two people yelled at each
other. I mean, I'm glad no one's yelling at me (yet!), but yelling
in general does not a happy environment make. I'm sick of people
being whiny children instead of, you know, doing their damn job.
And I really wish that people who have decided they can't deal
with their job would just quit already instead of spreading
their rich, creamery dysfunction all over the damn building.
(What I really want is to magically
enter Callahan's, down a stiff drink, and hurl my glass into
the fireplace hard enough to shatter it, then turn to my sympathetic
crowd and yell "To Workplace!" If you get that, you
are a total nerd and also my new best friend.)
A Shockingly Pornographic Thing
I Said Last Weekend Totally On Accident:
Me (trying to drink a boysenberry
milkshake): "I keep sucking but nothing is coming in my
JB: "Sounds like you need
to work on your technique."
comments so far.
I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004