05.17.2003 - 2:29 p.m.
While we were on vacation,
Dog was visiting her prior owner, no doubt enjoying the much
larger yard and not missing us one whit. When we brought her
home we realized that we'd forgotten her favorite toy, a stuffed
armadillo. Joy the lab breeder said she would send the armadillo
in a "care package" for Dog.
Joy is a very nice lady and
she's taken a great interest in hearing about Dog's new life,
but she is a tad weird. She seems the type that might collect
Kewpie dolls, or maybe has a collection of yellowing Ziggy cartoons
taped to her fridge door.
Anyway, when I got home last
night the care package had arrived. Dog greeted me at the door,
happily whuffing away with her armadillo wedged in her mouth.
Then I saw. It.
"What the hell
is that?" I asked JB, gaping at the floor.
"That," he said grimly, "is what Joy sent Dog."
It's - it's just the weirdest
fucking idea for a dog toy I've ever seen. It's a stuffed snake.
Okay, but it's a BIG stuffed snake, about 4 feet long and thicker
than your arm. There is a rattle at the end of the tail, and
its face sports a vaguely menacing expression. A felt tongue
pops softly out the mouth. The entire thing is colored in a vile
neon green pattern.
It's the sort of stuffed animal
that, laid on any floor in any room, instantly transports the
décor to Early State Fair. If you won this thing at a
ring toss, you'd cram it in the nearest cotton-candy-barf-filled
As for Dog, it holds no interest
for her whatsoever. I tried, though, thinking that there must
be some hidden appeal that Joy knew all about. I waved the snake
in Dog's face. Shook the rattle. Draped it over her shoulders,
I just can't figure it out,
you know? Like what was Joy thinking? That we would throw
the snake, tail over head, for Dog to nab from the air? Dog,
trotting merrily through our house, jaws clamped firmly on the
head, several feet of snake bouncing and trailing behind? That
at night Dog would curl up to sleep, the snake cozily wrapped
Joy also told us that she thought
Dog was getting a little porky- she casually referred to Dog
as "looking like a goldfish". JB took great offense
to this and sent a rather terse email explaining that Dog weighs
the same as she did when we first got her and she gets plenty
of exercise and shut up about the goldfish already. Ho, but the
damage was done. Now we can't help but call her Fat Dog. When
she rolls around grunting, which is a Top Ten Dog Activity, we
yell "Pig dog! Sooo-WEEEE!"
So Joy has another adult lab
dog that is retired from breeding named Mia. JB thinks that Joy
really wants us to adopt Mia as we've been such a good home for
Dog. And just after we returned from vacation, Joy informed us
that her family was going on vacation in June, and could
we possibly take Mia for that week?
Of course we had to say yes,
right? But it seems a little fishy, as Joy has several dogs -
all of them seem to have somewhere to go but Mia. JB is convinced
that Joy is hoping that after a week with Mia, we won't want
to let her go.
It really wouldn't make sense
for us to get another dog. Dear GOD, the fur. And it would be
like having, I don't know, a herd of cows in the house,
or something. Cat certainly would not approve. Oh, and EIGHT
muddy paws? No way. We're at capacity here. What with the new
snake and all.
go back :::
comments so far.
I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004