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03.22.2003 - 9:03 a.m.

Saturday

I can't find any of my lip balms this morning and I'm thinking I might have to just freak right the hell out. My lips...they already feel all dried out and...leathery. Oh god. Oh god.

Hello, my name's Sundry, and I am a lip goo junkie. Oh, it all started out innocently enough, with the occasional smear of Carmex; that pleasingly medicinal smell, the visceral sensation of a salved finger rubbing across my mouth. Then I experimented with various flavors of Chapstick - ooh, the "cherry" smell wafting outward with every breath! Onward down the slippery slope of addiction I fell, to Softlips, and flavored Bonne Bell Lip Smackers.

Then we moved to Las Vegas, and I was a goner. The dry desert air left me permanently chapped and peeling, and I started on the hardcore stuff: Blistex, with its slanted slickery applicator, and Vaseline Lip Therapy.

I've never recovered. These days I'm hooked on Burt's Bees Beeswax, and the two little tins of L'Occitane shea butter I scavenged from a goodie bag I got on a flight a while back. Without one or the other, I am a lip-licking fool, desperately looking around for anything that looks vaguely moisturizing, such as a stick of butter or perhaps a can of Penzoil.

Either I've got to go to the store today, or I'll have to make do with the fat-free Pam spray in the kitchen.

:::

When I got to work yesterday the network was down, so I went downstairs and watched The Simpsons. Then Thursday's Scrubs. Then another Simpsons episode. I stretched out on the couch with a cup of tea and thought, damn, I am shitting in some tall grass here.

Then, just to keep the productivity suck going, I had a massage in the afternoon. I can't believe I was ever squeamish about doing this - now I practically fling off my clothes before I even get the door shut behind me in the office-turned-massage-room.

(This is how it goes, the full body massage. Val, the Freakishly Strong-Handed Massage Girl, starts you out on your stomach. For half an hour, she carefully wrings out every muscle in the backs of your legs, your back, your arms, and a goodly portion of your ass, then lifts the blanket and decorously looks away as you turn onto your back. Because you are now limp as a rain-sodden earthworm, this is an ungainly process involving a flailing heave followed by a muffled grunt as you flop over. You fervently hope she isn't clamping her tongue between her teeth to keep from exploding into loud guffaws at your flaccid, graceless maneuver. During the remaining half hour, she continues to work voodoo over the tops of your legs, your chest, your neck, and your arms, until you melt into a puddle of fleshy ectoplasm and drip off the sides of the table. Afterwards I'm like a greased pig, leaving little rainbowy slicks wherever I go.)

Another reason I can't complain too much about Workplace: with some notable exceptions, I work with some damn funny engineers. Funny engineers: I thought that was an oxymoron! The most entertaining reading you can do at my office is review Funky Boss's CVS commits (which are sort of like "FYI, I wrote some more code" messages). Here's one that I saw come through late last night:

"Added (obscure hunk of code), and if we don't support demo mode, and the user didn't manage to type in a license, we quit the app with extreme prejudice. Hah, you're a stupid app and you smell like the French!"

:::

It's been raining, and raining, and raining here. We're talking biblical proportions. I'm thinking of building an ark, and breeding my pets. To each other ("the loyalty of a cat with the cleanliness of a dog!"). Heh. But really, if I needed any further indication of the nearing of the Apocalypse, other than the outbreak of war, torrential outpourings from the heavens, and the disturbing evidence of a snail having cruised around underneath my dining room table last night (GACK) - here is the always entertaining Scott Dierdorf's god-awful list of foods he and his friends intend to consume during March Madness:

6-can pack of Pringles (34.5 oz. total)
5 lb. tub of Country Crock
6.5 lb. bag of ground beef
60 frozen waffles
1 gallon jug of Mrs. Butterworth's pancake syrup
120 frozen beef taquitos
5 lb. bag of frozen buffalo wings
2.75 lb. bag of frozen popcorn chicken
4 lb. bottle of salsa
Box of 12 Oatmeal Creme Pies
Orange Juice (two 96 oz. jugs)
Case of tomato paste (12 x 6 oz. cans)
13.5 lbs. of frozen mozzarella sticks
8.5 lbs. of marinara sauce
106 oz. can of nacho cheese
3 lb. of bacon
Case of Lipton Brisk Iced Tea (24 cans)
140 frozen pizza rolls
36 Ice Cream Sandwiches
80 frozen Mini Corn Dogs
Hostess Ding Dongs Jumbo pack (24 Count)
Hostess Cupcakes Jumbo Pack (24 count)
6lb. bag of frozen meatballs
12 two-liter bottles of Coke
4 two-liter bottle of Diet Dr. Pepper
120 oz. Ketchup (120 oz.)
4 lb. Grape Jelly
5 quarts Vanilla Ice Cream
84 oz. Tub of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
6 lb. box Tortilla Chips
24 pack Welch's mini juice bottles
600 cheap-ass lemon sandwich cookies (10 five-dozen cookie bags)
Breakfast cereal variety pack (32 mini boxes)
2 gallons of Milk
Super size bag of Doritos (25 oz)
Super size bag of Munchies (25 oz)
Super size bag of salsa-flavored chips (20 oz)
3 lb. bag of Check Mix
Bottled water (32 count)
5 lb. bag of Shredded Cheddar Cheese
11 frozen pizzas
4 lb. tub of peppermint patties
Bag of BBQ chips (12 oz)

Pray for his lost soul, people.

:::

JB's heading out of town again this morning on a flight to Santa Barbara, where he is going on a weeklong diving trip with his brother Joe. They'll be on a boat tooling around the Catalina islands, hopefully seeing lots of wildlife and getting tons of great dives in and bonding as brothers and not, you know, drowning. (JB is jazzed about taking pictures on the trip; he's been getting really good at underwater photography - check out his recent shrimp, crab, and sea anenome shots.)

Me, I'll be spending the week wiping mud off Dog's feet every five minutes, but I'm sure it'll be just as fun! Whee!

Now I must excuse myself, because if I don't get some kind of waxy substance on my lips, I am going to climb a tower with a machine gun.

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0 comments so far.

I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004

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