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02.27.2003 - 8:42 p.m.

Thursday

From: sundry
Date: Thu Feb 27, 2003 2:39:23 PM US/Pacific
To: timescomics@seattletimes.com
Subject: La Cucaracha

Oh, it's just the worst strip ever. Just. Sucks. So. Very. Badly. Especially today. It's even worse than Luann, and that's saying a lot. Seriously. Surely there's some new talent, perhaps a budding Bill Waterson, whose comic is less obnoxious?

From: timescomics@seattletimes.com
Date: Thu Feb 27, 2003 2:39:08 PM US/Pacific
To: sundry
Subject: Thank You

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on our comics selections. Due to the large volume of responses, we are unable to provide individual feedback. We value your input and thank you for reading The Seattle Times.


Why was I compelled to email the Seattle Times today, when I have never written a newspaper in my entire life? Well, I read the comics. Like every day. I read the rest of the paper too, dammit, so quit with the knowing smirk. I'm talking to YOU, missy.

Newspaper comics, for the most part, really suck these days - but I read them anyway. Even that godawful Family Circus, which is, you know, "always there, in the lower right hand corner, just waiting to suck." RIP Bloom County and Calvin and Hobbes.

So even though they're all pretty damn bad (with the exception of For Better Or For Worse, and occasionally Frazz), I certainly would never feel compelled to take finger to keyboard to rant incoherently to the newspaper. Except. Except they consistently run a strip at the top of one of the pages that says "We're trying this strip out! Let us know what you think!"

These are like, the worse strips in the entire world. I can't even remember what some of the past ones were - they probably sucked so bad they formed little space/time vortexes and eventually disappeared. But "La Cucaracha" which has been running recently is - I don't know, it just irks the living shit out of me. Here is today's, the strip that made me Stand Up and Take Action:

 

 

O God! Isn't that just...don't you just sort of want to SLAP someone after reading that? It's not just that it's not funny at ALL, it actually forms some sort of humor vacuum. It's like chewing on tinfoil. Or listening to Phish.

I can just picture the author, idly tapping a pen to his teeth. He's thinking. He's thinking hard. Suddenly, an idea starts gelling in his mind. He's grinning, nodding his head. Yes, the character will..make fun of the other character for eating...sugary cereal! And the other character will become chagrined and rush off to eat...FIBER!!! Oh my god, this is sheer comedy gold! And the last pane will be the first character - eating the other guy's cereal!! Because! He! Wanted it all along!

It is only then that he begins crafting the awe-inspiring dialogue, priming his creative skills with a long, thoughtful inhale on the crack pipe held in his trembling fingers.

:::

Update on Operation Ass-Be-Gone: none. No progress. Not one pound lost. I am feeling low about this. There's been birthday dinners and seafood and wine weekends and, you know, a vat of Thai food at lunch today with the uber-cool Chiara, whose entry today made me pee myself just a little (ok, a lot).

So. There will be a Renewal of Purpose. A Redoubling of Efforts. An Embracement of Gym Sessions and Carrot Sticks. I WILL overcome.

Because. Well. I have a little secret. Come here. Closer.

Not that damn close! What the hell did you have for dinner, a jar of minced garlic? Sheesh.

The secret is, JB and I might go on a cruise in May. SHRIEK! He just might have enough miles built up that we can swing a "Mexican Riviera" cruise, which departs from L.A. and hits Cabo San Lucas, Mazatlan, Puerto Vallarta. A week of sun, snorkling, and banana daiquiris, how great does that sound?

Plus, bathing suits. And shorts. And tank tops.

Daruma-san, don't fail me now.

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