Where the fuck is it
all coming from?
The snot, I mean. It's been
damn near TWO WEEKS of this shit, and I am tired of living life
with a kleenex surgically attached to my nose. I blow my nose,
and everything seems free and clear - for about 2 whole seconds
before BLAAAT, I'm ejecting another metric ton of crap out of
I just don't get it. What part
of my body is dedicated to mucus production, and why can't it
refocus on making lean muscle mass or something? Not only am
I creating Dumpsters full of crumpled snotty tissues, but I also
have a charming sea-lion bark. I'm sure I'll be a lovely addition
to our tradeshow booth next week, hacking away in front of potential
customers while trailing thousands of wet kleenexes everywhere.
JB's brother Joe is visiting
us this weekend. He and JB went for a couple of dives today,
and we're all going out for steaks tonight in honor of Joe's birthday.
The big lug is turning 25. Aw, and I remember when JB came staggering
into my Portland apartment, viciously hungover from Joe's big
21st birthday bash.
That was actually right after
my first official date with JB on New Year's Eve. JB was living
in Corvallis (Oregon) while I was in Portland - about an hour
and a half away. At the time Joe lived near Portland, so JB came
by to visit me the day after Joe's birthday. I lived in a secure
building, so I was waiting for the buzzer, and the buffer zone
that comes with it - at least a full minute to anxiously primp
in the bathroom mirror while someone rides up in the elevator
- but JB had bypassed the system somehow and knocked right on
my apartment door. We made the awkward small talk of two single
people who had drunkenly made out in front of an entire party
on New Year's, and headed out to a movie. As we walked by the
parking lot next to my building, I made the first of several
incredibly embarrassing comments.
"Street parking is a bitch
around here. Just so you know, this is the lot for overnight
Stop. What? Did I just say?
The fuck? Activate blushing receptors
NOW. Ok, ok, back
it up, you can fix this
"I mean, if you stayed
the night or something."
Oh, THAT clarifies things.
Yes indeedy, can't get any more clear than that. Why not just
tell him you always make it a plan to fuck on second dates?
"I mean. I mean, otherwise
they issue tickets."
I have a seat for a Major
Retard, party of one?
"I don't mean to imply
you're staying the NIGHT, or anything
Ah, the weak little laugh
there at the end has surely fixed this entire snafu. Yes, it's
like you never made a total ass out of yourself - like you went
back in time two minutes and ignored the nervous compulsion to
chatter inanely. Also, YOU SUCK. Shut. Up. Now.
As I remember, we finally just
ended up laughing at my inability to extract myself from the
verbal diarrhea I had succumbed to. As to whether or not he stayed
well, let's keep that my little secret.
You know speed dating, the
thing where you have like 5 minutes to figure out if you click
with someone? God I would suck at that. I need WAY more than
5 minutes to eventually unearth a piece of my personality that
isn't laughably tongue-tied, unbelievably inappropriate and/or
profane, or painfully shy. I'm not saying those things are the
majority of who I am on a normal basis, but they certainly are
with people I've just met. I suppose that's why I have so few
people in my life I call friends, it's the meeting new people
thing that leaves me feeling like an agorophobe with Tourette's.
go back :::
comments so far.
I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004