I know you're not supposed
to pick at zits. I know this. I have read it time and time again
and I have seen the ugly aftermath on my own face. I know you
are especially not supposed to pick a zit on New Year's Eve,
when you have this boat cruise thing you are doing with your
husband in the evening. I know it's probably especially bad to
pick a zit while you are simultaneously battling an evil cold
that has left you a wan, blotchy hag, despite stooping so low
as to drink chamomile tea, which you hate, and actually give
suggestion of cayenne pepper/lemon a try, which while you really
appreciated the tip, left you clawing feebly at your tongue and
making a sound freakishly similar to that Aflac duck.
God, I know a zit right at
the top of your upper lip is a very bad place to choose squeezing
vs. waiting it out. When your husband gazes at your mouth tonight,
angling for his New Year's kiss, will his eye be drawn helplessly
to the red and angry spot that cannot, despite your best efforts,
be mistaken for a Cindy Crawford mole? Will the entire effect
of raw nose, bloodshot eyes, and cold-sore-like zit cause your
fellow boat passengers to draw away in fear as you shuffle by?
All I can tell you, God, is
that I simply could not help it. I tried to be good, I really
did. I diligently applied my Origin brand blemish zapper last
night when I felt its tumescent presence birthing from my previously
benign skin. I carefully avoided scrubbing too hard when I washed
my face this morning. It was only this afternoon, heady with
lavender scented bathwater I had hoped would unclog my nose,
that I attacked. Viciously, and ruthlessly, until its vile contents
had died a thousand deaths in a Kleenex funeral shroud.
I ask you now, God, to shiny
pity upon me. Sure, I haven't exactly gone to church lately.
And frankly, when it comes to you, I certainly Have My Doubts.
But a small favor - just that the concealer holds, or that there
is no rampant oozing, God.
Also please help me stay awake
comments so far.
I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004