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12.30.2002 - 6:12 p.m.

Monday

For those who were looking forward to a nice refreshing anecdote about my cat instead of yet another boring entry focused on snot...

TOO BAD.

I am so sick of blowing my nose I am ready to invent some sort of nostril-hoovering device that merrily sucks out all of the contents of your head including brains. My nostrils are all sore and chapped and flaky and I want a t-shirt that says THOSE ARE NOT BOOGERS MY NOSE IS PEELING DAMMIT.

I haven't had a good night's sleep in days on end, because when my body is horizontal, my nose freaks out completely. I wake up every hour, with a different problem.

1 AM:
Right nostril: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAT.
Left nostril: fweeeep.

2 AM:
Right nostril: SNRK.
Left nostril: (deathly silent)

3 AM:
Right nostril: eee.
Left nostril: Fwwooosh!

Etceterfuckinga.

All I know is it better improve before I have to step foot on a plane next Monday, or my head will implode like a Vegas hotel.

:::

I have a Top Secret recipe to give to you. Now, I don't eat a lot of sweet things as a general rule - my caloric vices are more in the 'anything alcoholic' category. But last night, I had this, like, VISION of the perfect dessert, which I will share, because I am all generous like that.

SUPER GOURMET INSTRUCTIONS:
Put some almond roca in a plastic bag, and whack it a whole bunch with a hammer. Scoop some blops of a really good vanilla ice cream into a bowl. Add crushed roca. Lastly, dump in some slivered almonds.

Oh yeah. The only thing that would make it better is if maybe you did an enormous bong hit ahead of time. Or if you ate it while having hot monkey sex.

(Not WITH a monkey.)

(Obviously.)

:::

I had lunch today with a printing rep I've worked with a lot lately. We spent almost the entire time talking about our dogs. I realized at some point in my life I will replace this boring drivel with endless factoids about my children, and this dog-behavior-comparison is like training for that time. Although secretly I felt superior because she has two dachsunds which somehow seem sillier to talk about in glowing terms than the Dignified Yellow Lab (who is occupied currently with rolling on her back and grunting).

I noticed this dog-as-child phenomenon at the beach in Oregon during Thanksgiving. We met up with some friends of ours who brought their dog, and we basically did nothing but watch the dogs playing and make little admiring comments. "Good catch," we would say with feeling. "Your dog is so good." "No, yours is!"

It's funny how that's accepted behavior among dog owners but not so much cats. Sitting at lunch and talking about my cat today would have left me feeling vaguely ashamed of myself. Feeling like the people sitting within earshot were rolling their eyes and making gagging motions at my 'amusing anecdotes'.

"And then, then she does this thing we call Cat Cutoff where she shoots across your path in the hall so you almost trip and kill yourself every single time you go past her bowl. Oh ho HO, Cat Cutoff."

I'll just..leave that sort of thing for this journal.

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I have moved. - 1.03.2005
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Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004

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