12.29.2002 - 4:08 p.m.
I don't mean to be gross, but
exactly how much snot can a human head produce? I mean, I feel
like I've got a UPS truckload of mucus up my nose. I'm blowing
major wads of crud every .0002 minutes. There are crumpled Kleenexes
filling every wastebasket in the house, and I just took out all
the garbage this morning.
Ah, the head cold. The way
you mainline various medications which keep you in a constant
blurred state of stupidity ("Huh?"). The vacant,
trailer-park expression you get from having your mouth hanging
open all the time in order to breathe. The sensation of pressure
building in your skull, abated slightly each time you fill an
entire tissue with what appears to be the special effects goo
they used in Alien.
It's getting boring, frankly.
Last night JB idly asked from the living room, "Hey babe,
what are you doing?" I snapped (nasally), "Well, JB,
in a shocking turn of events I am BLOWING MY NOSE. Although I
have blown my nose approximately fourteen times in the last 5
minutes, I know it must be a real surprise to hear this."
Lucky for me we rented Men
In Black 2 last night. By lucky, I mean at least I could leave
the room and honk away in peace without worrying I was going
to miss something good. I don't know how they managed to fuck
up something as cookie cutter as doing a second Men In Black,
but they sure did. The talking dog? Not funny. Lara Flynn Boyle?
Took the part way too seriously. Also, sucked. Tommy Lee Jones
with tears glittering in his eyes in that one scene? Shame on
While I've been occupied lately,
as I think I've made abundantly clear, alternately filling up
with and expelling disgusting fluids, JB has a new Xbox game.
It's some kind of car racing thing, which is less annoying than
the rapid gunfire/dying moans of Halo, but Very Annoying Nonetheless.
There is this navigator guy that talks to you while you're zooming
your racecar around various tracks. The point of this is to drive
faster than you can actually see ahead of you. So the guy, with
this vague Brit accent, is constantly talking. "Soft
right. Clear ahead. Hard left. Medium left into hard right. CAUTION.
Me: "Can't you tell that
guy to shut his fucking piehole for once?"
JB: "Babe, I need him. He's the navigator."
I happen to have hard evidence
that Xbox is bad for you. Take a moment to view these shots of
JB's brother Joe.
Before - a healthy, tanned,
strapping young lad able to forage in the woods for his meal.
After - a doomed man stripped
of his very soul.
go back :::
comments so far.
I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004