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10.30.2002 - 8:27 a.m.

Wednesday

What you need to remember is how it feels when you get in your car and sling your gym bag over the seat turn on the ignition flip the heat off and a Peter Gabriel song is playing, In Your Eyes, one of your favorite songs, and you are surprised to get a signal at all since you are two layers deep in a parking garage but fuck it, turn it up and sing along, the light the heat, and you pull out into the cold crisp night air and drive along 148th on the way back home and you're feeling good, feeling healthy, feeling your muscles pop and buzz with oxygen, a thousand churches, and you're glad you went glad you finally mustered the gumption because it's been a while, hasn't it, yeah you're ashamed to say so but it has been months since you've seen the inside of this gym and they've done all this construction which left you wandering around embarrassed couldn't find the fucking locker room for a while and everything is shiny and expensive just like the people there but at least you finally went and what you need to remember next time you hem and haw and think you'd rather do something else is that right now you feel great like a million bucks and that new Eminem song is playing which you turn up to ELEVEN, man, the music the moment, and you realize that for the first time all day that annoying eye twitch you've been having lately is completely gone and that feels healthy like maybe your body is telling you something about getting away from a monitor for more than five minutes in a row is a good thing and oh no not that godawful Pearl Jam Jeremy song you fucking hate that song all that wailing and moaning so you change the channel and hey! Pink! you need to do this more need to get your lazy butt in motion move muscles breathe faster get the party started because otherwise you will rot be stagnate turn to dusty crumbled mummy wraps and blow away in the first strong wind and it's worth it, even if it's hard sometimes, even if you look up at the giant mirrored wall and there are so many people struggling, running walking heaving weights staring at themselves, all the women trying to take up less space while the men try to take up more, even if you feel like every eye that meets yours is assessing and judging and finding you wanting, it's worth it because you always feel good afterwards and why is that so hard to remember?

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