10.23.2002 - 7:14 p.m.
Last December there was a happy
combination of events: 1) JB had earned about a gazillion miles
on his frequent flyer program, and 2) I was not encumbered by
such things as having a job. And so I accompanied him on one
of his business trips, and spent an amazing week in China. That
was all well and good, and sometime I'll tell you more about
it, but right now I'd like to wax nostalgic for the wonderful
luxury that is first class international travel.
There is no waiting in line,
when you go first class. Waiting is for peasants. Your seat is
a fucking Barcalounger. Champagne is presented to you
immediately upon settling into your chair, to fortify you while
you recline to a supine position. There are no peanuts, but there
IS caviar. And all the booze, throughout the entire flight, is
But the best, the absolute
best, is the bag of goodies they give you. There are socks in
there! Little bottles of moisturizer! Herbal mist sprays for
your travel-weary facial skin! Lip balm! And somehow everything
feels more expensive and lush than it actually is, like you're
misting your face with little gusts from a riffled stack of hundred-dollar
So I demanded that JB bring
home his goodie bag each and every time he flies, and every single
time he forgets. He doesn't even open the goodie bag.
Obnoxiously, JB basically slumps into a coma the instant engines
rumble to life on any flight, while I have to bring about 3956
magazines/books/packages of Benadryl to lull myself into a bored-yet-fully-awake
stupor. (It is a fact that on the 12+ hour flight from Vancouver
to Hong Kong, despite literally 14 glasses of wine, an enormous
dinner, a Barcalounger chair, AND the cinematic abomination that
was the live action part of Osmosis Jones, I didn't get
a wink of sleep.)
On his last trip, from which
he returned on Saturday, he finally remembered. Except he flew
business class. And I'm here to tell you that the business class
goodie bag is nowhere near as good. It's all about providing
you with the basic tools to keep yourself from offending your
seatmate with odors or bodily fluids: there's floss, toothpaste,
a toothbrush, and some kleenex.
The silver lining is that I
needed some extra toothpaste. So hurray for the crappy business
class bag, with its mint flavored toothpaste. Mint flavored is
important, you see.
A while ago, I noticed there
was several tubes of toothpaste in the women's bathroom drawer
at Workplace, and I thought to bring in a toothbrush so I could
freshen up after an afternoon of munching goldfish crackers and
slurping lattes (a foul, foul combo, believe me). It wasn't until
I actually went to brush my teeth that I saw what kinds of toothpaste
some sadist had stocked up on.
Gross Fucking Toothpaste
#1. Tom's Of Maine
Natural Toothpaste with Fluoride. With the refreshing taste of
FENNEL. It's licorice-like, hideous, and just plain wrong.
GFT #2. Arm & Hammer Advance White Flouride Toothpaste
with Baking Soda and Peroxide. You've got your baking soda in
my peroxide! No, you've got your...nevermind. What
freak on wheels thought these were two great tastes that taste
great together? It's salty, and bleachy.
GFT #3. J/A/S/O/N Sea Fresh Natural Toothpaste. I haven't
even tried this one. No frigging WAY, man. This is what is listed
on the front of the tube: Blue Green Algae, Sea Salts, and Trace
Minerals! Bacteria-Busting Perilla Seed Extract!
Smarmy Ken-doll Male: "Hey, you smell terrific...kind of
like the rotting corpse of a seagull on the last day of summer
Blowsy Idiotic Female: (tittering at camera) "He'll never
guess MY secret!"
CLOSEUP on PRODUCT. Booming voice-over: "Are YOU a Sea Salt
'N' Algae Girl?"
go back :::
comments so far.
I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004