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2002-03-01 -

Friday
This morning has been riddled with personal pratfalls. The first goofy thing I did was mistake my bottle of Herbal Essences (urrrrge) Oil-Controlling Astringent for Listerine. I don't know, they're both sort of green…There was no brisk swishing-liquid-about followed by a slowly dawning realization, no, you could say that I knew instantly I had made a Horrible Mistake. I did a spit-take worthy of any bad sitcom and hosed the mirror with astringenty saliva. There's no simple way to rid the taste, either. Putting astringent in your mouth is the gift that keeps on giving. Oooh, your breath is so fresh, like nail polish remover.

Then I had this Something About Mary episode. I went to wash my face with Cetaphil (I am not being paid to plug random personal care products, I swear), and the bottle was a little plugged up, so I squeezed really hard and it made this PLORP! sound and a porn-movie wad of liquid soap flew out and apparently immediately went into another dimension, because I looked and looked but couldn't find it. The stuff looks exactly like…you know. Yes, I checked my ear.

Just then the doorbell rang, and startled the bejesus out of me. I was pretty sure I had soap somewhere on me that would make me look like I was maybe in the midst of filming a money shot. I did a frantic once over in the mirror and was heading for the door when my cat suddenly runs at 65 MPH straight.into.my.leg.

"What's the big deal?" you say. "Ooh, a cat ran into you. Call 911." You don't understand, my cat is a total heifer and the full force of her cat-lard careened into my SHIN. It hurt, dammit. Ok, so then, the cat - making it clear why she was in full-tilt mode - starts to barf.

"Yoop. Yoop. Yoop. Blargh."

I'm all Gimpy McLimpleg, there's a pile of semidigested Purina One to clean, I'm still worrying I have pornographic goo on me, and when I finally get to the door…it's my landlord. What a letdown. After all that, it really should have been someone handing me a giant Publisher's Clearinghouse check or something.

When I answered, he looked all Memento and said, "Huh. It's wasn't you that wanted the extra gate opener, was it." Just needed the visual cue, did you? Freak. He's a complete freakshow whose freakiness is visibly evident. He looks like a furtive nose-digger, an owner of disturbing internet photos, a children-keeper-away-from. Gate opener. Whatever. He probably was going to let himself in and roll around in our garbage if no one was home.

Still can't find that soap.

Also my mouth still tastes like ass. Oil-controlling ass, but ass nevertheless. I tried to combat the taste with some Listerine 'oral care strips' (can't risk going for the regular Listerine after The Betrayal), but even they, with their unholy powerfulness, didn't help. Those things are weird as hell. You take out this green square, like a piece of saran wrap, and you put it on your tongue, where it immediately changes its molecular construction and oozes all over your mouth. It's like the mint version of that Ice-9 stuff in Vonnegut's Cat's Cradle.

If this entry were a small child, you would tell it to be quiet and make it go take a nap.

go back ::: forward

recent bleating:

2002-02-28 - Are they going to insert a toilet snake down my throat or something?
2002-02-27 - I heard the gelatinous-face-with-cat-hairs-stuck-to-it look was de rigueur this season.
2002-02-25 - I think it is entirely possible I have gained 10 pounds.

0 comments so far.

I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004

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