2002-02-08 - 1:08 p.m.
Of The Things That Happened
Today, This Was Not One Of Them
When I walked outside my apartment
this morning, there was a sleek white limousine idling in front
of the building. A shaded window slid down, and a voice called
my name. I walked over and peered into the shadowy interior,
"Robert Downey", I
said slowly, "..JR?"
"Yes, it's me." The
voice was hushed, almost whispery. His face was partially hidden
behind star-shaped glittery sunglasses, and he was wearing a
luxurious-looking cashmere robe.
"Aren't you supposed to
be in rehab somewhere?" I asked sternly.
"Actually, I'm driving
around completing the 10th step of my 12-step program, apologizing
to those I have wronged. Today I am apologizing to those people
who have always wondered what my allure is, have never appreciated
my acting or good looks, and find my public debacles amusing."
"Ah," I breathed.
"So you came to me. Well, don't worry, Robert Downey Jr.
I forgive you."
"Please," he gestured
inside the car. "Won't you join me for a short drive? I
could use the company."
I climbed inside the limo, marveling
at the plush leather seats. "It's dolphin hide," said
Robert Downey Jr. "Won't you have some champagne? Sadly,
I can only have orange juice."
I accepted a glass of champagne
as the driver headed up in the hills behind my apartment. Robert
Downey Jr. said he would like to oversee the city. He removed
his glasses and gazed sadly at me with droopy, yet slightly protruding
I struggled to make conversation.
"So," I said finally. "Are you still on Ally McBeal?"
It was the wrong thing to say.
His eyes narrowed and grew moist. He suddenly clasped my hands
in his and gripped me, although weakly. I noticed his hands were
as frail and limp as a child's. He seemed to be wrestling with
himself, then burst out with two sharp words: "Bon! Jovi!"
He collapsed back against his seat, his chest heaving.
Embarrassed, I sipped my champagne
and gazed out the window. The car glided smoothly to a stop at
a park overlooking the cityscape. People stood around enjoying
the view. Inside the limo, the only sound was Robert Downey Jr's
girlish sobs. In a sudden rush of movement, he threw open the
door and tumbled out onto the ground.
"Robert Downey Jr!"
I shouted. "Pull yourself together!" But it was no
use; he was crawling away on his hands and knees, dragging his
robe through the mud and dog droppings.
I got out of the car and walked
to the driver's window, where I rapped my knuckles on the window.
It slid down and I stood looking at the driver, who was as enormous
as a pro wrestler, wearing mirrored glasses. Twin reflections
of myself stared back at me until he lowered them, and gave me
an elaborate shrug before returning to the book he was reading.
I noticed it was The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.
I decided to follow Robert Downey
Jr. He was currently being restrained by a small boy, whose dog
Robert Downey Jr. was trying to hug. He leaped to his feet when
he saw me.
"This dog has taught me
about my father!" He cried excitedly, leaping up and down.
I suddenly realized Robert Downey Jr. was extremely short; he
barely came up to my shoulder on his highest jumps. "He
told me that I just need to drop the Jr. from my name, and I
will be a whole new person. My father will no longer haunt me!"
He scrabbled in his pocket and produced a white vial.
"No, Robert Downey! The
new you doesn't need drugs!" I looked around wildly for
help, but everyone had edged away. The driver of the limo appeared
to be filing his nails.
"Get away from me,"
Robert Downey snarled unexpectedly, his face drawing as tight
and fierce as a member of the weasel family, "You have never
liked me. Not even in Chaplin!"
in Chaplin," I said gently. "Goodbye, Robert Downey."
As I walked away, my last view was of Robert Downey emptying
the contents of the vial directly onto his eyeball. "And
go back :::
Did you want to read about:
2002-02-07 - dreams,
2002-02-06 - the
kitchen sink, Kinko's
recruiters and things stuck in my head
comments so far.
I have moved. - 1.03.2005
Obviously, a work in progress. - 12.27.2004
Happy holidays! - 12.24.2004
Listen, I am not a complete dick, it's not like I want Joe to die alone surrounded by cats or something. - 12.23.2004
Plus I am convinced my butt is extra big when it's upside down. - 12.22.2004