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2002-02-08 - 1:08 p.m.

Of The Things That Happened Today, This Was Not One Of Them

When I walked outside my apartment this morning, there was a sleek white limousine idling in front of the building. A shaded window slid down, and a voice called my name. I walked over and peered into the shadowy interior, and gasped.

"Robert Downey", I said slowly, "..JR?"

"Yes, it's me." The voice was hushed, almost whispery. His face was partially hidden behind star-shaped glittery sunglasses, and he was wearing a luxurious-looking cashmere robe.

"Aren't you supposed to be in rehab somewhere?" I asked sternly.

"Actually, I'm driving around completing the 10th step of my 12-step program, apologizing to those I have wronged. Today I am apologizing to those people who have always wondered what my allure is, have never appreciated my acting or good looks, and find my public debacles amusing."

"Ah," I breathed. "So you came to me. Well, don't worry, Robert Downey Jr. I forgive you."

"Please," he gestured inside the car. "Won't you join me for a short drive? I could use the company."

I climbed inside the limo, marveling at the plush leather seats. "It's dolphin hide," said Robert Downey Jr. "Won't you have some champagne? Sadly, I can only have orange juice."

I accepted a glass of champagne as the driver headed up in the hills behind my apartment. Robert Downey Jr. said he would like to oversee the city. He removed his glasses and gazed sadly at me with droopy, yet slightly protruding eyes.

I struggled to make conversation. "So," I said finally. "Are you still on Ally McBeal?"

It was the wrong thing to say. His eyes narrowed and grew moist. He suddenly clasped my hands in his and gripped me, although weakly. I noticed his hands were as frail and limp as a child's. He seemed to be wrestling with himself, then burst out with two sharp words: "Bon! Jovi!" He collapsed back against his seat, his chest heaving.

Embarrassed, I sipped my champagne and gazed out the window. The car glided smoothly to a stop at a park overlooking the cityscape. People stood around enjoying the view. Inside the limo, the only sound was Robert Downey Jr's girlish sobs. In a sudden rush of movement, he threw open the door and tumbled out onto the ground.

"Robert Downey Jr!" I shouted. "Pull yourself together!" But it was no use; he was crawling away on his hands and knees, dragging his robe through the mud and dog droppings.

I got out of the car and walked to the driver's window, where I rapped my knuckles on the window. It slid down and I stood looking at the driver, who was as enormous as a pro wrestler, wearing mirrored glasses. Twin reflections of myself stared back at me until he lowered them, and gave me an elaborate shrug before returning to the book he was reading. I noticed it was The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.

I decided to follow Robert Downey Jr. He was currently being restrained by a small boy, whose dog Robert Downey Jr. was trying to hug. He leaped to his feet when he saw me.

"This dog has taught me about my father!" He cried excitedly, leaping up and down. I suddenly realized Robert Downey Jr. was extremely short; he barely came up to my shoulder on his highest jumps. "He told me that I just need to drop the Jr. from my name, and I will be a whole new person. My father will no longer haunt me!" He scrabbled in his pocket and produced a white vial.

"No, Robert Downey! The new you doesn't need drugs!" I looked around wildly for help, but everyone had edged away. The driver of the limo appeared to be filing his nails.

"Get away from me," Robert Downey snarled unexpectedly, his face drawing as tight and fierce as a member of the weasel family, "You have never liked me. Not even in Chaplin!"

"Especially not in Chaplin," I said gently. "Goodbye, Robert Downey." As I walked away, my last view was of Robert Downey emptying the contents of the vial directly onto his eyeball. "And good luck."

go back ::: forward

Did you want to read about:

2002-02-07 - dreams, vaseline
2002-02-06 - the kitchen sink, Kinko's
2002-02-05 -evil recruiters and things stuck in my head

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I have moved. - 1.03.2005
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